Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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