its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
