turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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