Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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