I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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