we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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