Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
