In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
