I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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