the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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