Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
