Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
