Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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