you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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