Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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