I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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