allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
