I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
