i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
