We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
