Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
