I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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