trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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