I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
