Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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