if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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