I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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