dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
