last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Randomize
