apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
