I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
