maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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