Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
