What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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