I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
