they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
