the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
