I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
