The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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