i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
