So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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