went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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