i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
