I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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