I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
