I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
