maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
