I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
