so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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