Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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